The One Month Panic

Hello there, one month mark! You surprised me, you sneaky thing!

So, yeah. I'm not sure, but I think this is the point where I start panicking. Up until this point, we've been sailing on pretty calm seas. Even when our piano player backed out, I didn't panic. Even when our bakery backed out two weeks ago... I didn't panic. Even though it's a week until the RSVP deadline and less than half have RSVP'd, I haven't freaked out yet. Even when I tried my wedding dress on for the first time and the color is slightly different from the color I thought I ordered, I've stayed completely calm. In fact, that's the first time I've mentioned that one to anybody but Chris. But for some reason, seeing the 40-something days turn to 30-something days just hit me like a ton of bricks. In the past week, I haven't really been sleeping, I'm having nightmares about my dress accidentally being dyed black (oh yeah... woke up crying over that one), I've chewed my nails 'till my fingers bled, I'm second guessing every decision I've made, I'm not sure the florist and I are on the same page, I'm worried nothing will work out right, I'm scared nobody's coming, I'll cry over nothing, and I am just overall a nervous wreck.

People keep asking what they can do to help, and I can never think of anything at the moment. I always smile and say "I think we're okay just now, but I'll let you know." But it's times like now, at 4am when I sit staring at my mile-long list of to-do's and think, "I need hellllllppppp!!!!!!!"

Was I crazy to take on so many do-it-yourself projects? I'm starting to believe I was. Paper cranes, corsages, boutonnieres, programs, favors, vases for flowers, maps for invitations! And there's still so much more than that to be done. Buying. Ordering. Calling. Booking. Reserving. Emailing. Driving. Trying on. Having things altered.... the list goes on forever.

I know it will all get done. I do, really. At least I know the important things will get done. And I know that in the end, it isn't really about the wedding at all. It's about the marriage. It's about the vows we take on that day. It's about us. If I forget one silly little detail, the whole day isn't going to fall apart. I know that.

But for somebody who puts alot of stock in the little things, it's incredibly difficult to let those little things go. And for a serious DIY-er, it's hard to buy pre-made when I know I could make it and make it better.

This weekend is a long weekend and I think I'm going to spend the next several days getting things DONE. I also need to make a list of things other people can do to help... so that the next time somebody says "What can I do?" I'm ready with a task.

For now, I need to go to bed. Even if I just lay there for a few hours, I should at least try, right? Maybe I should try some meditation music or chanting.... "It will all work out. It will all work out. It will all work out....."

xoxo